With a stream of new emails and comments on those emails from those who have been supportive, I thank you again for sending me stories, links, and informative news. One question that I have received from time and time again is, "Do you fear anything?" And to answer that truthfully, yes, I do.
I do feel fear like everyone does, I mean, I am human. I think that fear is more than just a feeling, to me, it is something that pushes me, almost like a force of energy. But growing up, fear is what plagued me at times. So, to those just tuning in, this is a personal part of me that I will rarely talk about it.
Growing up, I had a lot of fear because living on the reservation, you often become full of fear because of what you experienced from year to year. I would often fear that I would become an alcoholic, a drug user/dealer, or even when I got into my early 20's is that I would be stuck there for the rest of my life. I mean, the reservation is my home and I love my home because my family are there but I always knew I had potential to become somebody. Even in my high school yearbook, I was nominated and won, "Most Likely To Succeed" and to live up to other expectations became my drive and my fear. My fear was to fail and end up back on the reservation for many to say, "He failed, like we expected him to."
That hung above my head like an unwanted halo because of the pressure. And from then on, I started to work a lot and harder. To make sure my foundation was strong and nothing could ever take away my dream. But as I grew older and wiser, I let go of that fear because if I had fail, I wouldn't end up back on the reservation, that I would find a way to make it work the second, third or how many tries I took. My risks that I took were my own, not anyone else's.
Another fear that plagued me a lot was that I would end up like my biological father, he is a good man, no disrespect but growing up, a lot of people would always tell me that I would end up like him. In their eyes, they seen him as great talent and potential wasted. In high school, I would always tell myself, "You will not end up like your father, you are going to be something greater." During hard times, my internal words got me through.
I learned that once you let go of your fears, you are more happier and willing to push past limits no one ever thought you could take. And to some who expected you to fail, when you prove them wrong, no amount of money can ever be enough for that priceless moment. I've had a few of those moments and very proud to say that any expectations that anyone had to put on me were at times, pressure but they are what everyone has, opinions. To me, opinions are like dreams, everyone has one from time to time.
My recent fear? My health. Through the years of wear and tear and being young and careless, my muscles are not like they used to be. When I ran, I would often run when I was injured or sick and all I wanted to do was prove that nothing could ever stop me and at times today, I still feel that way. But with my neck and shoulder issues, it is not the case much anymore. But something odd has happened and I do hope it keeps progressing better was my legs. My family has the case of bad knees and I've had one knee go wrong but lately, I can still run hard on it and very lucky.
With my recent sickness that took a lot out of me, my health became my fear again and being how it was my chest that was hurting more. And having my best friend pass away from a heart attack because of his heart, I got scared because with the doctors monitoring my heart murmur, to make sure I do not have any complications that lead up to heart disease, it gets scary at times.
As of recent, I have been getting emails from many that show in detail of those runners who ran half marathons and full marathons who have passed away during a race because their heart couldn't take much more. I guess that hit me hard because it is a race that I am looking to do, 6 times in 2012.
I know, as a man who has a lot to do, I shouldn't have much fear but I try not to think much about it. But one fear is something everyone fears, the unknown.
I hope I did not go into too much detail there. Beyond my fear is my strength and my passion. My focus is there and knowing what I have to do, heal up, get healthy and stronger. April is approaching and I am excited, I miss running already. If you could contain my energy for how excited I get for my races, you could power 3 full cities for months. It is what drives me to my destiny.
Thank you all for reading the never ending blog of this mad runner.
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